


Some things are worth getting your heart broken for

by Ardently_Austen



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: (implied) Thirteen x Yaz, (mentioned) Ten x Rose, F/F, Other, Post-Episode: Revolution of the Daleks, Spoilers, Spoilers for S12, The Doctor is having an existential crisis, The doctor misses the Fam, Yaz is smitten, but what else is new, the doctor uses they/them pronouns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:01:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28628439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ardently_Austen/pseuds/Ardently_Austen
Summary: Post 'Revolution of the Daleks', Yaz talks to the Doctor about something Jack said to them- it brings up a lot of feelings for the Doctor, and encourages Yaz to question their relationship.The talk we all know they needed to have.
Relationships: Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 5
Kudos: 49





	Some things are worth getting your heart broken for

**Author's Note:**

> Post 'Revolution of the Daleks'- I just couldn't get this idea out of my head! 
> 
> I haven't written fic before, (and haven't even written prose since like Primary school), so please be kind!
> 
> Hope you enjoy! 
> 
> (Tbh this hasn't been beta-read so apologies for any typos or general nonsense).

Yaz pivoted around the crystal archway and padded down the three grate steps, holding two steaming mugs of tea. She hoped the Doctor would be waiting for her, or at least just chatting with the TARDIS console as usual. It was still hard for her to remember that the machine was alive, or sentient, but they’d reached a kind of understanding. When she didn’t feel too silly, she would try and make conversation, and sometimes the ship would hum back to her- well, she thought it was at her, she liked to think so.

But there was no such luck today. At first the Doctor was nowhere to be seen, and for a second Yaz thought they had slipped off to another part of the TARDIS without her noticing. However, a suspiciously loud crash that sounded like it came from under her feet put that idea out of her mind at once. Walking up the corridor towards the main console room Yaz had felt nervous, but the Doctor’s bark of laughter at the chaos they had created put her at ease at once.

She reached the hole in the floor that the Doctor had created and peered in. It looked like a hurricane had hit an iron works to her, but the Doctor was in their element, throwing a copper spring from palm to palm, seemingly in thought. As Yaz’s shadow plunged them into darkness however, they looked up, and, seeing both Yaz and their favourite mug, they broke into a broad smile.

“Aw, thanks Yaz!” the Doctor beamed, jumping up clumsily to sit on the edge of the hole, legs dangling into the gap like they were a child sitting on a high wall. As Yaz passed them the mug, they did an excited leg kick, and smiled. Their smile dropped at once however, when they saw the look on Yaz’s face. “What’s up?” they asked, their forehead creasing in obvious concern. “You missing the rest of the fam? Because I—”

“No, it’s not that,” Yaz interrupted, kneeling down and swivelling her legs into the gap so she was facing them. “Well, I mean, of course I miss them, a lot, but that wasn’t what I wanted to talk to you about”. Yaz paused, placing her cup down gently onto the grated floor, before looking into the Doctor’s eyes. They were wide and curious; still tinged with concern for her but trying not to show it, in case Yaz became too scared to speak up. There was no danger of that though- she had been psyching herself up for hours and knew that if she backed off now, she’d never pluck up the courage again. “It’s about something Jack said”.

“Oh!” the Doctor laughed, thinking they understood Yaz’s hesitation. “I’m sorry about him, he’s always kind of…like that, he means nothing by it though so don’t even worry about it”. 

Despite her nervousness, Yaz couldn’t help but laugh at the Doctor’s misunderstanding. “No, not it’s not about that either, Jack’s great, I like him a lot- not like that or anything but, yeah, no”. She trailed off, struggling to think of what to say. She knew that this was going to be hard, but the Doctor’s warm brown eyes were still wide in expectation, and they began to fidget, obviously trying to stop themselves from asking anymore questions, letting Yaz take the lead. Not looking them in the eye, she began to force out the question.

“When Jack was explaining the whole immortal thing, which is super cool by the way, he…he mentioned that it was kind of your fault but also someone called, uh, Rose?”. Yaz petered off for a second at the mention of the name she’d been dreading to bring up, to judge the Doctor’s reaction. Not getting much from their face, she carried on in a jumble of words that betrayed how much this had been weighing on her mind in the few days since Jack had left.

“He said that she was kind of “trapped” in a, I think he said a parallel universe? And I know we don’t really talk about your past because I don’t want to hurt you, but it seemed like maybe Rose was really important to Jack and you but…you’ve never even mentioned her. I’m just worried that one day maybe I’ll get trapped somewhere and that you won’t come for me”. The last part was almost a whisper, barely able to mention the thought that had been lurking in the darkest recesses of her mind.

Now that she’d said it all, Yaz finally felt able to look at the Doctor. They, however, were no longer looking at her, but at their hands, which were knitted together in their lap. There was a moment of silence where Yaz thought that they weren’t going to answer- what if they were mad? Just as she was about to try and take it all back, the Doctor spoke. It wasn’t the jovial, bubbly tone Yaz usually heard, but a low, hoarse murmur that she had to lean forward a little to hear.

“Jack…Jack was right, she WAS trapped, but she isn’t anymore, she’s happy, she’s…she’s just gone now. I’ve been trying to work out who I am but who I am is old. I’ve lived a lot of lives, more than you can know and apparently more than I know- but that’s another thing. And I don’t not talk about them because I’m ashamed or because I’ve forgotten, which is what I know you’re thinking. The best way I can describe it is that every time I, change, as it were- it feels like dying. It hurts like dying, and that last moment is full of love and regret like I am. A new person sharing the same two hearts just gets to jump in my ship and walk away. And talking about my friends, people I knew or people I…well, it hurts Yaz. But if that hurt can reassure you a little Yaz, then it’s all worth it”.

Yaz noticed the Doctor’s constant repetition of her name, like saying it would tether Yaz to her as the words were tethered to their tongue. But she did not interrupt, and slightly tilted her head so that the Doctor might continue.

“I understand that these ten months must have hurt you Yaz, and I’m so, so sorry. If you can’t trust me yet I get it. But I swear to you know that I will never abandon you, and I will always, always come for you. You’re my fam after all!”. 

The Doctor tried to laugh at this last statement, but it didn’t meet their eyes. Yaz didn’t want to make them keep going when she’d already learned more than she ever dared ask before, but, knowing she would never have this opportunity again, she was not yet satisfied.

“And…Rose? She was clearly…special, for Jack to speak about her after it’s been so long”.

“Yeah, almost a thousand years for me- maybe more! I always find time a tricky thing, especially keeping to it- as you well know!”.

The Doctor was clearly trying to evade the question, but on meeting with Yaz’s raised eyebrow, (she had still not quite forgiven the Doctor for their ten-month absence, and certainly wasn’t ready to make jokes about it). Sighing a little, they went to continue, although their former companion’s name was seemingly spoken with a great effort, and with a slight choke in their voice.

“Rose was…magical. She took a man broken from war, who felt so very alone in the universe, and made him better. I wouldn’t be here without her. She loved everyone around her so deeply that she took into herself the whole time vortex to protect us- that’s what Jack meant when he said she saved him. She did a little too good a job really, but she wasn’t to know, and didn’t for years I don’t think. Anyway, we travelled together for a while but…I lost her. I tried to send her away to protect her, but she was so damn stubborn-, (the Doctor let out a bitter laugh at this), - that she came back and well…Jack told you what happened. She fell through the void to one universe, and I was in another. Why do you think I’m so desperate to keep you from harm? I can’t let that happen again, not to someone I—”

The Doctor stopped this urgent speech suddenly, their eyes shining with passion and a deep sadness that Yaz had never seen in them, nor in anyone else she had ever met. Her heart had swelled at the Doctor’s speech, partly from pity and partly something else entirely. For the first time in a long time, however, Yaz allowed herself to hope that herself and the Doctor were of one mind.

The Doctor seemed to misread Yaz’s face, rapt with contemplation of their last statement, with a further hint to continue the story. Yaz wasn’t displeased though; now that the floodgates had opened, it seemed almost cleansing for the Doctor to tell Yaz about this girl from so long ago.

“But yes, as I said before, it’s fine now. She managed to get back to me, and this world, a few years later while we were fighting the daleks- do you remember the day the planets moved? No? Maybe it wasn’t your timeline. But anyway, there was a bit of an accident and a kind of, well a kind of clone of me was created, --”

At this Yaz went to interrupt, but the Doctor flapped their hands as if this was a boring, superfluous detail.

“And they were like me in every way I guess- except he was half human. And just as angry as I was after the time war; so angry at the daleks. So he stayed with her, so they could grow old together and…say what I couldn’t. It was strange to see her walk away with them, this ‘me-but-not-me’, but…he could give her what I couldn’t. I haven’t seen her since but I think she’s happy. Hope so anyway! She…Rose, deserved it. The other day…when I said to you how I wanted to go back to find Ryan and Graham, to have more time…I’ve only been so tempted one other time. And that…was the first time I lost her. But, although you haven’t seen it yet, the rules of time are there for a reason- and I can’t- I can’t. I didn’t then and I won’t now. We had what we had and I have to accept that”.

This final comment seemed to be almost a reminder to themselves, a promise they were making. So show that she understood, Yaz reached over to grab the Doctor’s hand, squeezed it, and repeated their words- “we have what we have”.

The Doctor noticed this change and seemed to rise from their pessimistic musings. They squeezed Yaz’s proffered hand, and gave their signature beam, albeit a fraction less bright than usual. Yaz knew that despite this smile, the conversation was firmly at an end, and tried to clear the air at once. Nodding towards the Doctor’s tea, sitting forgotten on the grating, Yaz said “Don’t let that get cold”, before rising up, taking her own mug and leaving the Doctor to their own thoughts. Though she was glad she had asked, she sensed the Doctor needed a little time to reminisce in peace, away from the reminder of the fleetingness of human existence that Yaz represented.

Yaz hopped up the steps and round the main console, leaving the room quickly. The Doctor watched her go, then looked back at their hands, thinking on all that had happened in the last few days, but most of all thinking of Rose- their love, their loss, and what they had learnt from having her. Still they were of two hearts: one happy, one sad. But as they sipped at their tea, they determined that what was left unspoken once should not be so again.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a reference to S2 'School Reunion' because I felt like the talk between Jack and Yaz had a bunch of similarities with Sarah Jane and Rose- also it's a great quote and I'm emo


End file.
